My Lovely Lady Lumps

I didn't appreciate the body I had when I was in my late teens early twenties. I just didn't.

I was always complaining about how I looked and finding faults ... not even just finding ... seeking out faults and pointing them out to anyone who would listen.

I thought that my bum was too big ... that my legs resembled that of a character on Charlie Brown FAR too much ... that I was too short ... that my hands and feet were too small ... you get the picture.

I was miserable with what I had been given.

Then I had my first pregnancy.

I literally ATE my way through that pregnancy. One of my co-workers at that time had just had her first baby and, in all her wisdom, decided to tell me that the weight just falls off once the baby arrives and that I should just eat whatever I wanted because the baby needed the extra calories and if I was craving something than my body was basically asking for that particular food.

I soon discovered that my body was constantly asking for Big Bacon Classics. And boxes of chocolate covered almonds. Like entire boxes. All at once. And New York Fries with cheese sauce. And doughnuts. And cake. And chocolate milk by the gallon.

(Oddly enough my body - and my growing baby - didn't crave veggies or fruit or good grains like brown rice and lentils.)

I just ate whatever was in a two mile radius because I was feeding my baby and I was a pregnant woman and I was allowed to gain weight because I was growing another human being in my body. And I wasn't too concerned because my doctor said I looked cute in maternity clothes.

And then one day it happened. I woke up and went to get dressed and the maternity jeans that I'd been wearing every day wouldn't go past my knees. I was mildly concerned but thought that it must be the "water retention" that everyone had told me about. So I found some larger pants and squeezed into those and then put on my "go to" cute black long turtleneck shirt. And then I almost DIED.

I stared at myself in the mirror and I saw my cute (LARGE) baby bump (MOUNTAIN) out front which was normal. And then I saw two giant lumps out back just above my bum ... which was not normal. It was so very far from normal.

I cried for about four hours and then pulled myself together. And then had a doughnut. And then I cried again. And then I pulled myself together again.

Needless to say the rest of my pregnancy was much the same. I gained a LOT of weight.

After my baby was born I didn't lose the weight right away. It didn't just FALL OFF like I had been told. I found myself dreaming of my old body. My wonderful teen and early twenty-something body. It was gone. Lost forever under extra skin and stretch marks.

And I was sad that I had wasted all those years with my pre-baby body complaining about my cankles (cankles = when a person's calves go all the way down to the top of their foot ... no ankles ... cankles).

I've since had baby number two. And I've managed to control the urge to eat anything within a two mile radius.

And as much as I lament the loss of the body I never fully appreciated, I wouldn't trade my kids or my "post baby body" for anything in the world.

Except maybe free liposuction.

And a red velvet cake.