It's Time ...

It's time to get back into the swing of things and start blogging again.

I'm rusty.

And a little more arthritic in the fingers.

My thoughts are slow.  I have so many stories I should share - I just don't know where to begin.

The most recent addition to our crew is now almost 2 years old ... I'll call her Charlie.  Jackie Chan is 10 (and a half...) and Bruce Lee is a fresh new 5.

Life continues to be wonderful and complicated all at the same time.

As I fumbled around in the fridge for something to take for my lunch today I glanced again at all of the sweet Christmas pictures we received in the mail from much more "put together" and "organized" Mom's and it served as a reminder that I haven't got the foggiest idea what I'm doing as a mother of three children.

Are other kids in more organized, less frantic homes than ours happier?

More adjusted?

Do they fight with each other less?

Are they quieter?

Getting out of the house is as much as chore as ever - this morning no exception as Bruce Lee announced more than halfway to school that I'd forgotten his running shoes so he would have to have "hot feet" all day because he would be in his winter boots "in-SIIIIDE".  I sighed.  We'd already doubled back twice for other forgotten items and additional layers of winter clothing because it was COLD outside and my kids weren't dressed properly on our first attempt.  So I told him I was sorry but he'd be OK.  Then I remembered Charlie and Jackie Chan too ... no one had shoes.

It's a hot feet day.

I did remember all the papers I needed for my meeting.  But not Jackie Chan's permission slip to have more eye examinations done ...

I was angry at Jackie Chan for being "spacey" and almost walking into a jogger wearing fluorescent pink ... and he responded rudely and we fought about his attitude and he said he didn't want to talk about it and I said we were most definitely going to talk about it because I was the parent and he was the child and the fight ended with him saying "I didn't want to talk about this right now because I didn't want to start my first day back at school by walking into the schoolyard crying."

Wow.  Mother of the year.  Right here.

I remembered an apple for me but forgot diapers for Charlie.

So Bruce Lee has hot feet, Jackie Chan is crying and Charlie is in daycare diapers and daycare shoes and her teachers are having a grand old chat about my grotesque lack of parenting skills.

And I had to hear another lecture about how I should bring extra shoes and leave them at daycare so I don't forget to bring them which is less stress in the mornings for me ... like I don't know ... like this isn't my third time down this particular road.

But ... I can't direct my anger at the staff ... they're just trying to help me out.  I think.

Today I'm taking some comfort in the fact that some of the problem is because my mind is still a little fuzzy from stuff that happened last spring that I can't change.

My dad passed away.

He died.

He is no longer with us.  Any of us.

It's taking some getting used to.

It's hard saying we're going to my Mom's instead of to my parents.  It's hard seeing pictures of him and thinking that it's been awhile since I last talked to him.  It's hard at holidays.  It's hard on my Mom.  It's hard explaining to the kids - particularly Bruce Lee who is old enough to know but not totally understand - that Papa won't come back.

That it was all very final.

That the stress and sadness I felt when he was sick but still alive might not be as bad as the stress and sadness I'm starting to feel at the fact that he is indeed - gone.

Because who do I talk to about hanging pictures on a wall?

Or what tires to buy for the van?

Or if we should fix the van or drive it into a lake?

Or Jackie Chan's report cards?

Or ... ?

We didn't talk a lot, my dad and I.  But he was always there when I did need to talk.

He was good at right answers.

And I miss him.  And Curtis misses him.  And the kids miss him.

And I think he would have found the "hot feet" day kinda funny.  And then he would have told me I should probably just leave shoes for the kids at school and daycare so I don't forget.  And that if I could plan to have the kids pictures taken in October I could have Christmas cards done too ... and that Mom would like it if I did.

And in his gentle way he would let me know that I'm a great Mom who just needs to put a little effort into planning and organizing.

Miss you Dad.  If you're watching ... and I know you are ... I'm trying.  Really hard.  It's just some days are hard.  Some days you just have to have hot feet ...